Married but heartbroken
Wow…..it’s been a long time since I last wrote. So much has happened since, and things just got bad to worse that I don’t know where to start and most of all I’m dreading my critics telling me “I told you so!”
I’ve been procrastinating over writing for weeks now and every time I have attempted in the past it was just too hard.
The good news is that my sister got married soon after Ramadan last year. It was a quiet ceremony, she really didn’t want either my parents or her husband's family to spend so lavishly as people do at weddings. My mum wasn’t too happy about that especially because, we reckon, that she wanted to show off to her friends, in fact my sister didn’t really want that many people at the wedding either, in the end there were about 300 guests who enjoyed the quiet and simple ceremony. She’s now moved to London and is blissfully happy, her husband is great and her-in-laws treat her well.
As for me, well my dad has not spoken to me since last month and my mum, well she talks to me but it’s not the same and I’ll explain in a bit.
Things between Dante and me have not been good, well he thinks it’s good, but I can’t help being suspicious ever since I found those text messages in his phone.
I found condoms in his car, which he claimed was left there by some friends and then I found a pic of a woman who looked like she was on top of him while he took the pic. She looked Eastern European, and I went mad cos the girl the text messages were from had a eastern European name. His explanation was that he was trying to sell the camera to his friends who took it away to check it out and one of his friends must have taken it.
Dante always has an explanation for everything and when he’s finished, I feel really bad about doubting him in the first place. Sometimes things were so good I was even trying to work up the courage to tell my parents, especially after seeing my sister so happy in her marriage.
But that time never came.
Just after Eid last year, one of my neighbours, who I always thought was Indian – but turned out to be Bengali and knew my uncle, told on me and the “black” guy I was seeing. When my uncle told my dad, dad told him we were just friends and wouldn't hear of it, but my uncle kept on banging on about it and told the neighbour to ring him when Dante was around.
My uncle was so excited to show me up to my parents, he apparently had a smile on his face for weeks, so my cousins told me. Just after New Years, Dante was over one weekend, we’d been decorating the house as he slowly moved all his gear in - which made me think he can’t be cheating, why would he want to move in, if he had?
But anyway, as he was over a lot more, the neighbour spotted this. He must have noticed the times of Dante’s comings and going and was reporting back to my uncle who after collating all the evidence went to tell my dad!
My dad, who was still in denial, just wouldn't listen. Mum was ringing me at all times to ask me, but I kept avoiding the subject, I didn’t want to lie that I had a boyfriend but it felt like the wrong time to say anything especially with the uncle around, but I didn’t want to entirely deny it either.
I wish I’d just told them there and then and it would’ve saved me the embarrassment when my dad decided to knock on my door at 5am in the morning only to catch Dante lingering in the background in his boxers.
I just wanted to die. Dad never said anything and just walked off. Uncle, who was stood next to him gave me the dirtiest look and told me if I were his daughter he would’ve killed me. But it was the pain in my dad’s face that I couldn’t bear and I still can’t. I don’t think he cares what race Dante is, what hurt him was that I was unmarried and living with my boyfriend that he could not bear.
My mum had a screaming match with me, and I had to call my sister and my brother-in-law to come up north to speak to them.
Dante felt bad about the whole situation and had agreed to move out until things calmed down at home, but my mum decided that since I’d been caught I had to have my nikah done. Dante didn't mind, and in front of a mullah and my brother, my cousin brother, brother-in-law and my sister. I married Islamically, in my living room, wearing my jeans and covering my head with a shawl for the mullah’s sake and we fed the guests with tea and biscuits.
He converted on the day we had our nikah and chose Mohammed Dawuud as his Muslim name. Since then he’s got much more street cred and many more Asian friends!
Mum and dad were not there during the nikah, and all I could think about at them time was them. I really wanted my dad there, even called him but his phone was switched off. They are both planning to go to Bangladesh in two weeks, all the gossiping has really hurt my parents and they just want to get away. Of course my ex and his family found out and have been ridiculing me ever since. The ex husband has been telling people that I was with Dante while I was married to him and that on many occasions he caught Dante leaving the house just as he was coming home from work. Of course people have been lapping all the gossip up since then.
I really can’t look at my dad in the face, so I avoid going to their house. A few days after he caught Dante and me, I decided to go over and ask for forgiveness for lying to him and going behind his back. He always gave me so much freedom, but always trusted me, I guess if I had gone to him and told him about Dante in the first place he would have been happy for me and would have given me away like any other parent, but it was the living together that he could not handle. Dad never said anything, picked up his tea, took it to the kitchen and then went upstairs. Mum only communicated with me when she had something to scream about, but that soon ended after the nikah.
I’ve been married Islamically for over a month. Dante as usual gets along with all my brothers and sisters and things would’ve been great between us if it wasn’t for the fact that I am so suspicious, but I am really trying to put that behind me.
Every time I go into a Bangladeshi shop I can hear the men talking about me and telling each other I’m the girl who is married to a black man. Once I went in with Dante and they didn't say anything, Dante even went to the counter and asked for some Bangla paan. They chatted to him quite fine, told him he must go round more often, but when I’m on my own, I don't even get a smile.
The whispering does bother me, but my mum hates it the most. The women in the area make jibes at her all the time and she’ll take it out on by not asking me to stay for dinner, or when she makes a cup of tea for dad, she never asks me anymore and that hurts.
But she realises when she does that, and sometimes she’ll send my brother around with some rice and curry. Dad has always put money into my account every month, just a little something for shopping, well he still does that, so he still cares, he must, he would’ve stopped the payment straightaway if he hated me. When my brother was caught with weed when he was 17, my dad didn’t give him pocket money for a year!
My uncle pretends to be supportive. He’s banned his kids from talking to me, of course they still do and I hate for the day when his daughter come home with her white boyfriend……..she tells me they want to get married in the summer. I told her to tell her parents before someone else does.
But this is what I wanted, to be married, right? But it doesn’t feel all that good; I want things to be the same again with my parents and I really miss them, I miss hanging out at my mums, I was spending a lot more time there when my sister got married, we use to sit around in the kitchen gossiping about other people and mum was always making new dishes, I just want to go back to how it was. I miss my dad ringing me every morning without fail to ask if I had got to work OK. He’s stopped ringing.
When I was married to my ex, I could always go running home to tell my parents if he did something wrong, I can’t do that now, so I keep things to myself, instead of being over the moon, I feel even more stressed out now than ever before.
I also think if things were great with me and Dante, everything would be easier to deal with, but that’s not the case either!
As for the neighbour, Dante almost knocked him out and now he stays well away from us. In fact, we heard the other day, he maybe moving cos he doesn’t want kids to live in a street with such a besharam (shameless) woman! We were thinking of moving ourselves, but we’re gonna stick it out here for a while, if the neighbours want to move then they can go ahead!
Comments
He is cheating on you - better to face the truth. If your friend had told you what you have told us - you would know the guy is cheating on her. Come on, the pic with the girl on top and condoms.
Posted by: Anonymous | February 21, 2008 06:42 PM
Shame on you for putting your poor parents through this.
Posted by: Farhana | February 21, 2008 07:19 PM
I just came across this blog, its very interesting! I am surprised to find that there are so many Bengali girls in inter-race relationships. By the way , I am a very well educated Bangladeshi -American guy.
Okay, so you've met the man of your dreams, and he's totally into you, too. He's dark and handsome, and wildly exotic. He speaks in a way that mesmerizes and he looks at you as though you're the only woman on earth. He has an intensity that has swept you off your feet. After a whirlwind relationship, he wants to marry you as soon as possible and Voila! You are married ( Not the way you wanted to but still you are married ) !!
My suggestions to you is to get used to the idea that your family will never "get over this". An interracial marriage will be met with obstacles on both sides. It is especially the case for the generation of people whose parents were immigrants, and they themselves were raised here. To even broach the idea of an interracial marriage will spring forth 100 year old stereotypes of other cultures you never even knew existed
Believe me when I tell you that its is better for you to remove yourself from their lives all together and start a fresh new life. I know it will be hard and probably lonely for you but your parents will not come around on this matter. You need to get away from them
Put your faith ( ??)and energy( big time !!!) in Dante ( haha) ...not in trying to change peoples attitudes cos that is nearly useless and spiritually draining.
As for your relationship, I can’t tell whether it has a future. Only you two can answer that. Do not allow your feelings for this man to cloud your thinking . One cultural difference that you should be aware of is that men from Western countries might not have the same expectations of a marriage that non- Western men do, and he might not understand your expectations.
I don’t want to sound harsh but I have to say this because I am, like so many other readers , nursing several grievance against you.
First of all, why do you marry a Bangladeshi when you are a citizen of some other country and you know that u are not going back to your parent’s land? Oh , wait I know the answer: “Finding a good looking husband from the Greater Manchester region was taking too long. My family started their search early last September - but with no luck in the UK”.
You, also, added that “I decided my destination would have to be Bangladesh” yes Rujina , you have said that your family did not force you to marry that guy from back home !! It was your decision and yet you said you were married to a guy that “ I don’t fancy!” Come on Rujina , you know that the general purpose of marriage is to love one another, procreate children and live in peace and tranquility to the commandments of Allah. It should be entered into with total commitment and full knowledge of what it involves. It is not like buying a new dress where you can exchange it if you don't like it. Your partner should be your choice for life. One should be mature enough to understand the demands of marriage so that the union can be a lasting one
You know , Rujina, why I said that “ your family will never get over this"? Muslims stick to traditions strongly while others are willing to adapt and change .Does that sound strange? If you come to understand Islam, it won’t. That’s because Islam gives rules and guidance for all aspects of life—including one’s relationship with God, with the spouse, with the parents and other family members, along with society.
“I am "dating". Yes I am Muslim, but I don't pretend to be religious. I am not practising and therefore I do not talk about religion, I do not preach about religion and as someone has mentioned I do not wear my religion on my sleeve. I am not a hypocrite.” The literal meaning of Muslim is a person who "submits" to the will of God. A Muslim is a person who is intentional in trying to lead his/her life according to God's will. You see why so many Muslims are voicing their rage against you ? To declare that Allah is the creator or the provider is not enough to become Muslim. Not everyone who claims to be a Muslim is one. Sometimes hypocrites don't even realize that they are hypocrites. They always find ways to justify their sinful actions and convince themselves that they are believers. Hypocrisy is a halfway house, a state of indecision in the choice between good and evil.
Allah in the Quran warned us from the Muslim hypocrites. “They have forgotten God; so He hath forgotten them. Verily the Hypocrites are rebellious and perverse. (The Noble Quran, 9:67)"
There is nothing wrong whatsoever with an interracial relationship, as long as the relationship is healthy in general. It's far, far more important that the participants are honest, trustworthy, loyal, etc., etc., that they care about each other, and so forth. I am positive that you know what the word “Muslim” means now , so please don’t proclaim that you are Muslim. And , once you do that your “critique” will simply disappear . The question is , Can you live without your “critique” ? The answer is :You cant. For this very reason you will always claim that “I am a British born Bangladeshi Muslim”. Good luck.
Posted by: Imran | February 25, 2008 01:27 AM
Brother Imran
Very weill written post and hitting the nail on the head- sadly this advice won't be taken, as you say it will be justified in many ways.
Posted by: Anon | February 26, 2008 03:45 PM
you are probably the most gulliable person i have ever heard of - that whole spiel he gave you about the picture - i have no sympathy for stupidity
Posted by: Asma | February 26, 2008 05:10 PM
Imran, for someone who claims not to preach (talk of religion), you sure sound holier than thou. Which is strange because you have a girlfriend and your parents are looking for a bride? The word hypocrite springs to mind!!!!!!!!!!
Oops sorry, well educated Bengladeshi-American hypocrite that is, wouldn't want to offend.
Funny how you don't add Muslim to the end of that title!?!
Posted by: Anonymous | February 29, 2008 03:52 PM
I was reading this and read Imran's comments I thought here is a moderate person just giving some advice but as I read on I thought what a hypocrite!!! practice what you preach. I dont know how old this girl is but she sounds very young and a bit immature just yet but I think she will learn from life's experiences and if he does turn out to be a two timing rat then that will be a lesson learnt and she will deal with the consequences of the decisions she has made for herself in life, I wish other people would not be so judgemental.
Posted by: Sonia Allen | March 6, 2008 12:26 PM
Anonymous,
First, I need to thank you for your comments . I would like to express my feelings towards your comments. In fact, reading this gave me a small surprised smile.
Direct quotations are another person's exact words--either spoken or in print--incorporated into your own writing.
Below are some examples of how to integrate it into your own writing:
Rujina said, “I am "dating". Yes I am Muslim, but I don't pretend to be religious. I am not practising and therefore I do not talk about religion, I do not preach about religion and as someone has mentioned I do not wear my religion on my sleeve. I am not a hypocrite.”
Rujina remarked , “Finding a good looking husband from the Greater Manchester region was taking too long. My family started their search early last September - but with no luck in the UK”.
Look closely at these examples. Note that what is enclosed in quotes must be the exact words of the person being quoted.
Keep in mind that direct quotations repeat a speaker's exact words.
Another important use of quotation marks is to indicate or call attention to ironic or apologetic words
I think quotation marks are also used to indicate that the writer realizes that a word is not being used in its current commonly-accepted sense.
I hope the above has given a sufficient answer.
My friend “Anonymous”, my Islamic identity means a lot to me. It is good to remember that Islam is a way of life. We must submit our whole life, not a small subset of our choosing, to the commands and teachings of Allah and His Prophet.
We are not free to pick and choose which portions of Islam we believe in and which portions we don't. If we truly believe this religion is from Allah then how can we deny any of what Allah says? It simply doesn't make sense. None of us are perfect. None of us will be able to follow all the rules. But there is a fine difference between someone who admits to his or her imperfections and asks Allah for forgiveness, as opposed to someone who attempts to justify or rationalize their imperfections. There is no way to be a perfect Muslim but about a million ways to be a great one.
I can sympathize with people who have spoken out against Rujina. In Islam it has been made very clear as to what is acceptable and what is not acceptable between males and females who are not married to each other.
The fact is that it is clearly stated that women/men shud not commit zina (illegal sexual intercourse). The sin of fornication is given its seriousness by being ranked as follows: the most major sin of all is associating partners with Allah (shirk), the second most major sin is murder, and the third most major sin is fornication. And if u are interested in what Prophet Muhammad had to say about fornication I have this, “The one who commits illegal sexual intercourse is not a believer at the time of committing illegal sexual intercourse.”
I can see that she is causing offense by calling herself a Muslim while so obviously disregarding this rule. Perhaps, she shouldn't have said she was a Muslim, she must have known she would get a negative reaction.
I think her understanding of Islam is just as marred as those who give Islam a bad name.
Rujina is the LAST thing Islam needs right now, little modesty is just what this girl needs.
People like Rujina love their lifestyle more than they love life itself and are willing to risk AIDS, more than they care for heaven. And if any of them had any hope, it is that the truth be preached to them.
My friend Anonymous, I guess you have not met a very well-educated young Muslim preacher from the USA yet ? lol
Seriously, I hate to be the kind of “preachers” who get their agendas determined by the western demands. ;)
Posted by: Imran | March 6, 2008 05:20 PM
My friend Sonia Allen, I am a Muslim who embraces peace. But, if u must attach stereotypical tags, I'd rather be considered "orthodox" than "moderate." True orthodoxy is simply the attempt to adhere piously to a religion's tenets. "Moderate" implies that Muslims who are more orthodox are somehow backward and violent.
Hypocrite. It’s one of the ugliest words I know. I’ll wager most people would prefer being called an (use your imagination ) over being called a hypocrite. My friend, what is your proof that I am a hypocrite? I mean what I say and I say what I mean. My Muslim identity means a lot to me . I didn’t say that I was dating a girl . I stand by principles . I promote what I believe to be the right thing. What part of that is hypocrisy? I intend to ridicule you as a slope-foreheaded, narrow-minded Neanderthal, at every opportunity I get, for the foreseeable future, until you stop using it.
Now, Rugina is a different story . She is a hypocrite. No chicanery, no riddles, no tricks or excuses, just a simple solitary fact. Rugina has the copyright over this word.
As for Dante or Dawuud ( whatever Rugina likes to call him these days) , does Rujina think he will change ? He’s not going to. The more relationships you have before marriage, the more likely you are to commit adultery after marriage, and so is the person you marry. Isn't it logical that if you don't follow the rules about having sex before marriage that you are not very likely to follow the rules about having sex after marriage. The best Rugina can do is to devise strategies to keep other women off him !lol.
I want to assert that hypocrisy is a good, healthy quality for a fiction writer like Rujina. Maybe even a saving grace. I’d like to see her next article entitled “Mr. Dante Goes to Mecca” . Below, is an excerpt of her article:
Dante started sporting a beard whilst on a two months journey to Mecca and Medina. The journey was quite a story in itself, nevertheless when Dante did finally arrive in the UK all my family were quite surprised to see how transformed he was. Here he was, and what was he wearing? A skullcap together with a flowing kurta, more fitting for those coming back from Al Azhar University. And the most noticeable part was, of course, his beard. My dad immediately began to shout “ Allah Akbar , Allah Akbar” , and embraced Dante.
Rujina thrives off of inconsistency—new ideas, new approaches, new perspectives.
Posted by: Imran | March 8, 2008 04:09 PM
Salaam sis rujina! mabrook on your marriage...may it last very long and peaceful and may allah bless u with kids, ameen.
Hey sis, its great that you're now married!
I just wanna know, do either u or dante know 'michael york' in Rusholme, Manchester he works as a chef and also works in 'tigges' night club? well thats what he told me when we met. So, yeah do u know him/heard of him?
Posted by: afghangirl | March 11, 2008 12:30 AM
Imran, you have a LOT of time on your hands I think by reading your blog I glanced through it when I had time!! and thought oh dear I have rattled his "cage" . Quote from your own blog above "Sometimes hypocrites don't even realize that they are hypocrites". Furthermore "moderate" does NOT imply that muslims who are more "orthodox are somehow backward and violent" Congratulations you are "orthodox" good for you but you live in a society of different views not in a dictatership. Everyone including Rujina thrive on being different individuals with there own opinions which have culminated from there own life experiences. YOU appear to have lead a rather sheltered one in the USA hence the rather narrow-minded approach to your blog.
Posted by: sa | March 16, 2008 01:46 AM
WOW ! SA ! Talk about your self-important blowhards.
I can't begin to convey how happy I am that I don't know you in person. I have a difficult time watching the self-important antics that people like you engage in.
The point is not about what is better to do - it's about recognizing that you make a choice in how you spend your time. That should be liberating. Actually, I love writing. Writing is fun. There is no restriction to what you can write.
Here's the bottom line: get over yourself and think about whether you really "don't have too much free time on your hand”.
And , FYI , I work for a nice, big company. I have a nice salary, performance bonuses and the opportunity of traveling the world.
What is moderate-Muslim to you ? Personally, I don’t subscribe to “labels”. In my opinion, everything in Islam revolves around the principle of intention, and if those intentions are not in accordance with the will of Allah, then they are wrong. Period.
Islam has been here for over 1400 years . It is up to each of us to realize that Islam does not have to conform to our "modern" time or our personal beliefs, but rather we have to conform to it. Islam means complete submission to Allah , either accept all of it or reject all of it. You call yourself a Muslim, but you don't follow all of Islam? You love to indulge in homosexual fantasies ? You love to commit zina ( fornication) ? Just drop the title--Muslim .
You clearly know nothing about Islam, just because you don't agree with a religion doesn't mean that you should make ignorant comments. The most valuable piece of advice I was given and will pass on is this: Educate yourself. The best way to understand Islam is through its holy source. The holy source of Islam is the Qur'an.
Posted by: Imran | March 19, 2008 06:02 AM
yay carry on writing! love reading ur blog.. ignore the other ppl! y do they read it if dey ent happy wiv it!
Posted by: Anonymous | March 24, 2008 05:05 PM
Hi Rujina
could you drop me an email - would like to speak to you about writing something for a publication.
Thanks
HK
Posted by: HK | March 28, 2008 04:29 PM
I can't make my mid up on whether Imran is an incredibly educated, informed intelligent guy or just a pretentious snob.
Please don't use this as a justification to drown me in a tirade of negative superlatives - its just an honest insight into my trail of thought at the moment
Posted by: Asma | April 8, 2008 03:01 PM
when you gonna write more. I love reading your blogs. Feel bad for you @ times and your family, but really entertaining when you got nothing to do @ the end of the working day.
Posted by: Anonymous | April 8, 2008 04:02 PM
I thought Rugina wanted to make Dante a muslim, now she is married. so was that what they call a fling with Dante? you narrow minded people why do you always support adulterers?
don't you know that makes you adulterers if you don't condemn or stop them.
Posted by: Anonymous | April 10, 2008 01:51 PM
Come on Rujina keep us posted!!
Posted by: Anon | May 5, 2008 05:37 PM
hi, i was looking for the meaning of my name in arabic but somehow ended up here... after reading this though i feel like changing my name...
i was born in the UK, im bangladeshi, not the perfect Muslim but wish i was... growing up in a Western country does make you want to be an individual however its whats on the inside that matters, the fact that this Rujina is saying she is a Muslim but then literally going against everything A Muslim should do is bad enough but flaunting it on this site to make people sympathise with her is completely wrong... but whats worse is those that are encouraging her.. so what if you think shes young!! im very young but it doesnt mean that if i do something wrong that i should just be told 'its ok, youre only young and youll learn one day'... you need to let them know what the consequences are or theyll just keep making one mistake after another.
i hope i dont sound like im preaching coz im really not, i just wish that i was a perfect Muslim but most of all i pray that everyone in this world wishes they could be a perfect Muslim... and that Insha'Allah we will ALL be worthy of Paradise.
and please, if anyone does know what rujina means in arabic please let me know... i might have to change it if there is no meaning...:-(
Posted by: rujina | May 17, 2008 10:50 PM
hi, i havent read the other comments but I hope my comment will be of help to you.
I am in a similar situation, although my parents do not know how him. So I feel bad for going behind their back but they will never understand, since he comes from a different family background etc.
As for your parents, they will eventually forgive you. But you can't blame them for how they're being... you abused their trust in their eyes. You must continue begging for their forgiveness.
As for your boyfriend cheating. He may have done so but it doesnt mean he doesnt love you. he may carry on denying it but you have to get to the bottom of it otherwise it will stay on your mind. if he didnt lvoe you i dont htink he would have stayed with you and converted etc....
also, try concentrating on improving your marriage.
i hope this helps. if you would like to talk 2 me i may b able to hlp you.
take care
Posted by: anonymous | June 16, 2008 12:48 PM
What happening now? Please keep writing!!
Posted by: Rashina | June 23, 2008 04:17 PM
hey when are u going to cntinue this blog? its intresting .
Posted by: hammida | July 1, 2008 06:11 PM