The surprise
I FOUND out something last night- Dante has a child from a previous relationship! It really took me by surprise. He's been talking about his friends, all of whom are close to his age and they all have kids. He's never mentioned his own. Anyway it just occurred to me that I should ask and he told me he had a little girl from his last relationship. I don't know whether it was the fact that he had a child that surprised me or that he hadn't told me about her earlier on and I had to ask!
He could tell that I was a little shocked and asked if I had a problem with it. I don't have a problems with it, I did ask if there were any other children I should know about but he assured me that there wasn't! I told him I was pissed off that he hadn't told me about his daughter earlier on, it wouldn't have made any difference. If I had a child it's not something that I would have kept to myself for nearly a month. Dante said he wasn't sure how I would've reacted and he had wanted to tell me a number of times but backed out.
He has his daughter over every other weekend and he doesn't plan to introduce us simply because Dante and his ex decided that unless they were going to marry someone they didn't want another adult involved in their child's life, which I think is quite fair. I know of a woman who introduces her boyfriends to her two children straightaway, they've had so many "daddies" over the past two-years they've lost count and it's not healthy for the children either. So I (for my own selfish reasons as well) am quite happy to keep things as they are.
Other than that things are going well. Some of my neighbours are getting use to seeing him coming and going. I have four Pakistani families living in my street. All the women say hello to him everytime they see him, I've even caught them checking him out when their husbands aren't looking. Apart from my next door neighbour, an older Pakistani taxi driver who says "hello boss" everytime he sees Dante, the rest of the men continue to give him dirty looks.
My close friends have met him, and they all like him. He's even helped vett potential husbands for a very close friend. She's been single for almost five-years and wants to get married. Her parents are out of the country majority of the time so the task of finding a husband has been left to her. She just wants a decent Muslim man to marry and the only way she found to meet one was on Muslimfriends.com and Muslimmatch.com. I tell you there's some wierdos on those sites. She met two men from these sites, both interested in getting married etc etc and after chats online, we met the first one, a man who worked in pharmaceuticals, he was really nice and really funny, he could've been the one but after a couple of weeks it turns out he already had a wife and five kids and was looking for a second wife.
We met the second guy with Dante around, he was a doctor who desperately wanted to get married before he reached 35. The guy came dressed in black trousers and trainers (who wears trainers with trousers with trousers these days?), he had a cold that night and he wore and old rumpled brown jumper. He sure didn't look like the smart doctor we saw in his picture online!
He bore us to death by talking about his love of music, the guy wanted to become a producer, he had even worked on his own album, which he got out for us to listen! They were his cover versions of George Michael tracks.........but that was just to give us a taste of us singing..........he then got out his own material...........his favourite was a track he wrote for an ex girlfriend which he kindly put on for us to listen and give him feedback. I thought he was joking at first - you don't play a song you wrote for an ex when your meeting someone who could potential be your future partner! His screeching voice and the melodramatic music sent me into the kitchen where I burst out in fits of laughter. Poor Dante was stuck sat next to this doctor not sure what to do. The doctor told Dante he thought he was in with a chance with my mate. Dante could see from our reactions that that was not the case and told the doctor this. Well the doctor told us before he left that he had a very nice evening and wanted to come back again. Dante told him if my friend was interested she'll ring him and we spent almost an hour trying to show him the door.
So yes, going back to my point, Dante's getting on well with my friends!
Comments
your losing the point of this whole blog its about a deranged marriage not about DANTE, DANTE, DANTE, get over him, what the hell you are so sad man get a life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i want to know about the freshie not about stupid DANTE
Posted by: samira | March 27, 2007 01:50 PM
I know exactly what your going through with your ex. What a fool. Like yourself i also married in bangladesh 5 years ago, however i am very happy. At the time i dont know why i did it & i had a choice. My husband regard london as his home, he is educated, speak good english, Kind, generous, modern and is studying to better himself. He doesn't mind my western lifstyle. I'm very independent career focuses women and my hubby loves that. Good luck with the revenge!
Posted by: farhana | March 28, 2007 08:38 PM
Girl I am partly writing this because I feel the need to and to prove to my siblings that it is not me who has written these blogs! My bro is not having any of it and even my best friend was like why lie it is you! If I had written this blog I would certainly not deny it!
Coincidentally I got married two years ago same as you but my ex never came here because I did not apply for him. We spent 3 weeks together in which we had no relationship physical, mental or emotional. He treat me with disrespect and the only words he uttered were criticisms of my family and myself yet I was always respectful towards his
Cameback to UK and thought well I will still try but all he wanted was for me to send him money every week. After a few months when he made it clear that once he comes to this country he would stay until he was legal and then leave me I suddenly snapped. Throughout my life I had always considered myself a strong person yet here I was being treated like a leper. (He only told me of his plans because he said I was so ugly no one would ever want to marry me and he believed it and hell even made me believe it). However it was the last straw and I told my parents.
At first my Dad was a bit angry and told me to try etc but my Mum knew that I would not have told them about my problems unless I was really troubled. My ex shot himself in the foot and had sold a lot of the gifts that my father had bought for him a few days later and that is when my dad realised that this guy and his mother would go to any lengths for money. After this they made up stories about my family that were so pathetic no one believed them anyway. After our so called 'civilised society' heard of all this there were many people crawling out of the wood work to voice their opinions. Those that were blatant about where the blame lied (the girl every time) and those that were more sly about it. Even a friend of childhood who lives on my street and has known me his whole life commented that I should have tried harder and what I am doing is shameful!
This guy who has had countless girlfriends is getting married to a girl who visits his house often at all times of day and night when his parents go out. I am not judging him for this I have no right I am just showing the narrow mindedness of our British born population. He looks down on me because I am getting divorced and Allah (swt) will be upset I did not obey my husband. Huh? What husband? The stranger I was with for 3 weeks. He and others look at me like,who is going to want to marry you- damaged goods. Funnily enough I am still a virgin but I do not feel the need to divulge this to people- my business. Yet this guy will sit their and tell me about his fiance's virtues. This is just one story but there are so may others who look at me with pity/ disgust/hostility.
These people want me to try with a man who is GAY. (I tried to ignore the signs first but when I saw proof of it before my eyes I could not pretend any longer).Apart from my immediate family and close friends no one know this. I have never told his family because it is not my place to tell but also because I think deep down his mother knows. I could tell his relatives in this country out of spite and a year ago I nearly did but I stopped myself. I do not want revenge any more and I know how much my parents were hurt when he spread lies about them. He also has a mother and siblings and if this truth came out then it would cause them pain. I would never stoop to this level to satisfy my anger. Also I cannot help feeling sorry for him his whole life he will have to live as lie. Homosexuality is such a taboo anyway and I have no doubt one day he will get married again for his mother and I pray for his next wife maybe she will be a stronger person than me and allow his homosexuality as part of their relationship.
However up until this day I do not blame any of these people. They are looking from the outside in and can only go on what they see through the curtains of their ignorance and judgement. They have not been in this situation therefore they cannot empathise. They go on their values that have been feed to them by their parents (which are not wrong). It is just the way of our double standard culture NOT our religion. Some of these people who comment on Islam and how to be a law abiding Muslim who may know their kolima, pray namaz, fast during ramadan, have been to hajj or hope to go, and give zakat- the five pillars of Islam or wear a hijab and generally try to be pious. These people go to may lengths to please Allah (swt)yet sit in their homes and gossip about which girl/ guy are doing sinful things. They are spiteful and judgemental do they not realise Allah (swt) is every where and this is not pleasing?
I do not claim to be a perfect Muslim or judge any one because that right belongs to Allah (swt) only. So all these comments by certain individuals who are judging you and using Islam as their weapon, they are misguided. Again it is not their fault they are trying to guide you to the 'right path' a world in which they are perfect human beings and know everything of Islam and Allah (swt). They talk of compassion yet posses no such feelings.
When I was younger my Dad always used to say ' Rujina life is a test' and he said it to me again recently and I said You know what Dad life is NOT a test, it is a challenge with small hurdles and big hurdles and sometimes while you are jumping over the hurdles you might hit your knee against it and that might cause pain but you still continue because you can and want to'.
But i do not need to tell you this because its seems to me your having no trouble jumping over the hurdles! All the people who call you a liar do not matter it is just testament to their character if they believe any girl would want to lie about a big issue such as their marriage.
You and I are lucky we have supporting parents, siblings and friends as long as they know the truth who else matters? Other girls are not so lucky and for them I pray always.
I wish you all the best in everything you do and hope everything works out between you and Dante.
Take care sister
Rujina NCL
Posted by: Rujina Begum | April 3, 2007 10:05 PM
***So all these comments by certain individuals who are judging you and using Islam as their weapon, they are misguided. Again it is not their fault they are trying to guide you to the 'right path' a world in which they are perfect human beings and know everything of Islam and Allah (swt). They talk of compassion yet posses no such feelings.*** THAT’S JUDGING
***Some of these people who comment on Islam and how to be a law abiding Muslim who may know their kolima, pray namaz, fast during Ramadan, have been to hajj or hope to go, and give zakat- the five pillars of Islam or wear a hijab and generally try to be pious. These people go to may lengths to please Allah (swt)yet sit in their homes and gossip about which girl/ guy are doing sinful things. They are spiteful and judgemental - ***
THAT’S JUDGING - That’s horrible! Maybe they are jus giving advice from their heart knowing the right and wrong and the interpretation of what they are saying has come out in the wrong approach.
Marrying back home and divorcing for good reasons that’s fine by all means nothing wrong in that. I have known and heard many people and stories in the same situation which is sad. Maybe it is genuine Ruginas story the blog writer however she comes across to some people a lie or jus annoying, however ruginas story above sounds genuine especially the way u wrote it makes ppl a liking to u. How can u say ppl here are misguided and what they say is a testament to ther character cus that goes to u 2. Its ur wrd against theirs, Its all a form of ones opinion so u cannot say for ones hu call u a liar are so and so cus they can turn arnd and say the ones u don’t call u a liar are so and so?
I think som ppl are not using Islam as a weapon but jus advising from the heart and it may give off the wrong impression but u cannot say these ppl are using islam as a weapon and they are spiteful. we can only judge Rugina from her blog were all jus merely commenting from first impressions, were random ppl don’t take it 2 heart wer ppl hu don’t knw her personally so what we say 2 an extent does not matter, ppl are jus getting defensive as if Islam is being thrown in her face.
Posted by: :) | April 5, 2007 01:43 AM
OMG, fair enough i may have said something that may have sounded like i am judging Rujinga, but i didn't mean to hurt anyone, i was only trying to explain the benefits of islam, not using it as a weapon to hurt people's feelings. this blog went berserk only when islam was mentioned in a good way. everyone took all the islamic comments the wrong way.
Posted by: afsana | April 5, 2007 01:31 PM
Afsana and smiley face please do not take my comments in the wrong way. I did not write this to cause offense to you guys or any one else. I was just writing it to convey to Rujina that she is not alone. Also because I can empathise with her situation I felt the need to. It is also frustrating when something stressful happens and you have to hear so many opinions. That is what I was trying to get across. Now I can step back etc and appreciate that every one will always have comments but at the time it's difficult you know. My comments that smiley face highlighted about those that discuss people in their homes.I am not judging I am stating a fact. It happens ladies get together and discuss the goings on of so and so children. Why lie? Even my own mother used to do it until I pointed out to her it is wrong. I have also made it clear to any person who tries to discuss other people's business that I do not wish to hear it. I am not doing this so I can look like some angel I am just trying to remain true to Allah (swt). Again I stress I am not a perfect muslim or even human being.
Also I realise that 'weapon'is a very strong word to use however my message being that anything can be a weapon if it causes hurt or pain.Maybe Rujina felt no pain but when giving advice to someone one should realise that it can sound judgemental especially if the pain is still raw. Anyway please anyone who I have offended accept my sincerest apologies it truly was not my intention.Peace.
Posted by: Rujina Begum | April 6, 2007 03:39 AM
Rujina (the one who wrote the comment), your story is so sad, you went through so much. the way you expressed your feelings in the comment above, has so emotions to it. you have mentioned islam, and by reading your comment i could see that you have much respect for the religion. by reading your comments, it touched me and i really feel for you. i could see the truth right through you, as majority of the benagli community would keep these types of infromation private, but i must say you have a lot of courage. i pray that all your problems are solved by allah (swt)
Posted by: afsana | April 16, 2007 02:43 PM
OMG you guys are so damn lame. So what the girl got a divorce? Good on her! People live too long these days anyway, you can't be with the same person for like 60 bloody years!
So she didn't like da guy and changed her mind! Divorce I say! That's why it's there. Divorce isn't a sin! Its a perfectly good way to end an unhealthy relationship.
Good on you girl! Stand strong and don't bow to everyone else's opinions!
Posted by: Freddy | June 10, 2007 05:49 PM
freddy u weirdo no1 sed nufin abt divorcin is a sin and she made a mistake raaz
Posted by: anonymous | July 23, 2007 03:27 AM